Parenting is hard. Communication to our children of any age is hard. Especially if you’re trying to do it right or change negative generational patterns. Thankfully research shows that we *only* have to do it right 30% of the time to make a life long positive impact on our children. Whew. That’s a weight off one’s shoulders right??? The other 70% of the time when we do make mistakes repair is key. Repairing serves two purposes: making a wrong, right; while simultaneously teaching your child how to make a wrong, right. Mistakes are great teachers. For parent and child. But how are we supposed to talk so our kids will listen? I have five tips I’ve gleaned from my own personal parent-child communication mistakes over the last twelve years.
Thankfully, research shows we only have to do it right 30% of the time to make a life long positive impact.
Dr. Donald Winnicot
Connect before you correct. I overheard a mom three years ago say “to remember the Oreo Cookie” and it has stuck with me ever since. While it has taken me a long time to implement it on a regular basis I think of the Oreo cookie every time I go to correct my child. It goes like this, your child has forgotten to hang up their wet towel AGAIN but instead of just pointing out the wet towel you point out something they’ve done right recently, then tell them about the wet towel, and then follow it up with another honest compliment. For example “Hey [dear] I notice your nightstand is well organized today, but I found a wet towel on the floor will you hang it up? Thanks for hanging up your backpack after school today.”
If we coach our kids through life, we become their cheerleaders offering them hope and confidence.
Amber Lia
Use I Statements instead of You. This is not just good advice for conflict resolution or for marriage communication, I believe it is essential for parent child communication. Children need to know they are not responsible for how they’re parents feel and a simple way to do that is to use I statements. For example, “I feel overwhelmed by the mess in the kitchen and I cannot make dinner until it’s tidy. Will you clean up your art project in 15 minutes?”
Own Up to Mistakes. One clear way to talk so your kids will listen is to own up to your mistakes. This one may seem counterintuitive and I believe it makes some parents uncomfortable. But I have found it liberating to apologize for my mistakes for myself and for my children. They are much quicker to apologize to each other and to me now that I have made it a priority to own up to my mistakes. For example, “I’m sorry I yelled. I was overwhelmed with leaving on time and I lost my patience.”
well, we all make mistakes dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.
L.M. Montgomery
Communicate Your Feelings Out loud. If you want to quickly diffuse any tension in your home tell your kids how you feel, out loud! “Wow! I’m tired from all those errands this morning. Lets all have some quiet [screen] time.” OR “Man. I don’t want to do the dishes [again] tonight. But we all feel so much better in the morning when we start with a clean kitchen.”
How to talk so your kids will listen.
Share a Special Treat. Food helps everything. I am known to bribe my children to listen to books with chocolate. Nothing wrong with bribing healthy habits, in my opinion. If you have a tough conversation you need to have with a tween, teen, or young adult share a meal or a special family treat. Chocolate is the clear winner in our house. And so is pizza. But maybe muffins or a family chocolate chip cookie recipe evokes safety or nostalgia. The point is to have something edible to unite you with your child before diving into a difficult conversation.
I hope these suggestions help you talk so your own kids will listen! I don’t have it all together and with five kiddos under the age of 12 I still have much work cut out for me along this parenting journey. But through my parenting trials I’ve found much hope and I sincerely hope you will too. Follow me on IG @LivvyRoberts
