The Death of a Friendship

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Over the years I’ve had many truly great friendships.  I have had a squad for every phase of my life.  Without them, I would have struggled through those different phases of life.  They helped guide me through some of life’s most difficult and fun times.  Along with the great friendships came the not so great friendships.  Then it happened –  the death of a friendship.  

Having a friendship end just sucks.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve known the person for several months or several years.  The death of a friendship hurts everyone involved.  Sometimes it makes your world spin backwards for a while.   

One friendship of mine that ended so badly that our kids couldn’t play together anymore. We were so intertwined in each others lives that when the friendship ended it was like a death in the family.  It took quite a while for me to fully recover from that breakup – oddly though our kids adjusted rather quickly…  After I recovered, I realized that the death of that friendship helped me learn what I didn’t want in a friendship.

When I finally figured out what I didn’t want in a friendship I started to apply that to ALL my friendships and finally allowed myself to be ok with not being friends with everyone.  

Did you know that you don’t have to be friends with everyone?  

Whether it’s the people at your church, the parents at your kids school, your neighbors, or the people you volunteer with.  It’s ok to not be friends with all of them.  Besides – who has time for everyone??  Not me!  I know a lot of people (8 years of PTO at a public elementary school in a small town will do that)  and I do consider many of them friends.  When I see them at the grocery store or an event, I am truly happy to see them!  However I don’t feel the need to keep in consistent contact with every single one of them.  I choose my close friends like I am choosing a good pair of shoes.  The fit has to be there or it’s not going to work.  If the friendship doesn’t fit it’s ok!  

Disclaimer:  Just because you don’t have to be friends with everyone doesn’t mean you should be mean to those you aren’t friends with.  Be a good person!  Say hello or do the cursory smile & nod when you see those “non-friends”.  You will feel better about yourself for being nice to everyone.  You will also be a great role model for your kids and your kindness will inspire them to be a good people.  

Give yourself permission to mourn the friendships that have ended or need to end and move on.  People may want to know what happened – don’t say a word.  My go to line is “oh I texted her/him recently but we are in different phases in our lives right now so we haven’t been able to connect”.  That’s it.  No one needs details.  LET IT GO.  (now you will be singing THAT song all day).

I’ve had friendships end that I thought were going to last until we were in retirement homes together, with rooms next to each other.  You know – forgetting each other each night and meeting each other again the next morning..  It’s those kinds of friendships are the hardest to lose, but it’s also from those that I’ve learned a great deal.  

To the people whose friendship didn’t fit and we experienced the death of our friendship – I wish you well.  For whatever reason we didn’t make it know that it’s ok and I do hope you are doing well and are happy.

To those friends in my life who have been there for me through all phases of life THANK YOU!  Friends from grade school to college; friends from PTO; friends from various work places; friends of Dave’s; Loser friends and friends from life; we connected because we fit – thank you for accepting me and being my friend.  You have helped me grow even if you don’t realize it, and I love you all from the bottom of my heart!  You are in my life for a reason and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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