Implementing and enforcing rules to a high-schooler is a new ballgame. As the nuances of their lives become more complicated, so do the rules. I missed that day of motherhood training when they passed out the handbook. In fact, for the last 15 years I’ve been winging it from day to day with the simple goal of keeping my kid alive and not doing anything to screw him up. So far, he has turned out to be an amazing young man in spite of my novice parenting methods. He is, nonetheless, a teenager. Just as I would have hoped, he has developed a sophisticated personality which brings with it opinions and a mind of his own.
Where Did These Rules Come From, Anyway?
As a one parent household I wear the hat of enforcer and nurturer. Most rules in our home are a conglomeration of things I learned from my parents, things I’ve read in online blogs or parenting forums, and the occasional rule I make up in the moment because I’m on the spot and unsure how to respond. As an empath I always feel inclined to see things from his point of view. This normally gives my explanation emphasis on helping him understand the things I know he may initially disagree with. Regardless of these efforts the conversation of late normally leads to my methods and reasons being challenged.
Law & Order
I sit on the edge of his bed as he purses his lips and shoots a side glance only an angry young man can accomplish. I put my arm around him and say, “You know I love you bud,” looking over to him for some confirmation he actually does realize that statement is true. “I know when you really want something and I say no it upsets you, but I truly have your wellness in mind.” You see, by this point I have already read an article or asked my parents what they would have said. I’ve gathered my facts and have solid evidence that shifts the burden from a matter of my opinion to solid information from a reliable source.
Remember the time when you knew everything? When your kids looked to you as a universal encyclopedia of information and never questioned you? As the mother of a teen those days are gone.
Now, I hope to maintain my cool as the mild verbal sparring begins. Being the educated and clever person he is, my son has also done some research, read some articles, and consulted his new authorities – his friends – on what their take on his rules are. Although I consider myself a worthy opponent in any negotiation or argument, this little person I created gives me a run for my money. I begin each sentence with, “I understand your point of view,” or, “I respect the time you’ve spent putting your information together.” Most often this does not earn me the outcome I desire. “Gosh mom I’m so lucky to have someone who cares about me so much,” followed by a giant hug and an invitation to chat about the book he is reading… not so much.
Knowing that isn’t how it’s going down I once again reach to my inner empath. I steer the conversation in a different direction and try to gauge the level of respect my son has for me. I’m hopeful a reminder that I am a loving and credible authority will help him see the light? When I am near the point of submission, the words just come out of my mouth.
“This is how it is going to be. I’m sorry you don’t understand but you’ll have to accept my rules.” It’s the same as saying, “because I said so,” and that one’s just not going to fly anymore.
The Verdict
I am grateful that my son can speak openly and usually respectfully about his thoughts on the rules I’ve imparted on him. There have been a few occasions in which his argument has led me to open my mind and change a rule: the teacher becomes the student. Parenting is a game of stamina. Though these moments can be exhausting we don’t give up because being a parent is the most important job we will ever have. In a decade or so I’m hopeful he will call me and give me a sense that he finally gets it (like I did with my parents). But until then there are articles to read, rules to enforce, and still lots more hugs to give!
